from my the house across the street

live, love, laugh, and remember to play everyday!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Do you see the heart in the peeling bark? I hope so! To me, it's obvious, but some just can't see it, no matter how hard they look.
I snapped this photo on a day in August, 2004, when I thought my heart was breaking. Feeling absolutely miserable, I drove to St. Louis on the spur of the moment. After some impulse shopping at Archiver's, I decided to spend some time with my younger daughter. As I was telling her about the experience I'd had earlier in the day, I looked up and saw this heart. To me, it was a comforting sign that I would survive, that my heart would mend.
You see, I had been "dumped" earlier that day by the man I believed to be the love of my life. I had met him in April, and by the end of May I was starting to fall really hard. We had a lot in common, from our career choices to our love of Jimmy Buffett's music. We talked on the phone a lot, saw each other frequently, and had a lot of fun together. Unbeknownst to me, he had begun seeing another woman. Of course, we hadn't made any commitment to see each other exclusively, but he had not been open with me about the fact that he was still our looking around.
I walked around, wounded, for a few weeks, but as promised by the heart on the tree, I healed. I knew I had become much stronger several months later when he came back, did the same thing, and found only a tiny scratch on my heart. I let him into my home, but not into my heart, when he showed up a year later.......because I knew what he was all about, and I like to believe that I know what I'm all about. The last time he attempted to connect with me was a mere few days before his wedding. I asked him to never imagine, now or at any time in the future, that I would have any interest what-so-ever in any kind of further contact with him. He made that promise, and has kept it.
There has been plenty of opportunity to reflect on that experience, and to learn a lot about myself. I know that I really liked the relationship I thought we had, and I know that I enjoyed the parts of myself that surfaced during that time. I learned that I can be hurt, and I can heal. When I told him that I didn't want him to attempt any contact with me, I thought I was saying something important about my feelings toward him. But it was really more about me.........isn't it always? I realized that seeing or speaking to him would put me in touch with my own vulnerability and humiliation at having been deceived. Now I feel much lighter as I think about that person, the times we spent together, and I realize that humiliation is totally unnecessary!
This post didn't go exactly where I thought it would when I sat down to write, but I guess it went where it needed to!
peace always...............


Blogger bkljw said...

glad your back up and running :-)

4:35 PM  

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